Pulse
by MichelleKelly
Summary: Years have passed, Squall has left Rinoa and a meeting with Quistis goes deeper than he could have ever imagined. Both of them bare their souls and their bodies to one another. One Shot. Prompt fic (prompts inside)


Pulse

Prompts: Squall, Quistis, Depression, Mental Illness, smoking, pain caused by previous partner, escaping domestic abuse, rough sex, passion with aggression, body issues, piercings

It had been almost 10 years since Ultemecia (sp?)and the time compression, but Squall still suffered permanent lingering effects. Even though he stopped junctioning he still had horrible memory lapses, to the point that he was forgetting appointments, days and even his own birthday. He had left Rinoa almost 2 years prior, when he moved in to the dull 2 bedroom flat. The walls were almost gray and dirty, but he never washed them. Books still sat in boxes near the book case in the living room, and there were other random eccentricities. A couple holes in the wall, a few were present when he moved, a few were from him in the throes of anger, shame or resentment. It had been hard on Squall to regain his life after the damage she did. He left Balamb Garden not long after, he was so repulsed with her by the end that seeing her around the garden made him want to vomit.

When Quistis texted him it peaked his curiosity. Why was she contacting him after so long? Did she want something? His mental questions were endless. They agreed to meet at his place, Squall didn't tell her that he would forget otherwise and would probably still be surprised by her arrival. He woke up that morning to a text that she was leaving and on her way and that Squall read the message with relief, knowing he had time to prepare. He showered and made a pot of coffee, while it brewed he picked up the strewn clothes on the floor and tossed them in the laundry. He'd just poured a cup when he heard her knock at the door. Taking a deep breath he checked himself in the mirror and opened the door.

There she was, dressed in a deep sapphire bodycon dress that fell to her knees. Her blonde hair was longer, and still pinned up. Red lipstick grazed her lips, and her eyes were lined and primped. He was nearly speechless at how she looked.

"Hey...you want to stay here or go out?" he asked promptly, his anxiety spiking and his awkward side began to show. Quistis caught on and didn't want to embarrass him in public.

"Let's stay here," she chose. Squall sighed in relief and shame as he stepped aside to let her in. Before she could even ask how he'd been her eyes fell over his dismal apartment, the pillow and blanket on the couch, the scattered book and dingy walls, she fought back a tear.

"You want some coffee?" he inquired, still bleary eyed from the little bit of sleep he got. She nodded and cleared her throat.

"Yeah, I had tea this morning and it did not wake me up at all," she remarked unsure of what else to say. Following him to the kitchen he handed her a cup and poured another, not bothering to ask if she wanted sugar, he didn't have any, anyway. Quistis sat down at the small cluttered table. Papers were tossed in piles, stained with coffee and burns she couldn't identify.

"So, what do you want Quistis?" he finally asked. She was used to his blunt nature, but wasn't expecting it so quickly.

"I wanted to see how you are. Your absence had me concerned, and Irvine mentioned last time I saw him that you and Rinoa had a rather tenuous break up, I didn't like what he said, it made me worry," she explained.

"Well, I'm fine," he spat out rather offhandedly. She sighed, taking a drink of her coffee.

"But are you really? Squall, this place is a dump, and I have never in my life seen you so disorganized, what happened?" she asked softly. He leaned against the counter, shifting his weight.

"Rinoa happened," he muttered darkly. He pulled open a cabinet drawer and took out a pack of cigarettes and lit one, before tossing them back in the drawer and shutting it. "She...I don't know. She became so critical and so demanding over time...at first I didn't notice...hell I didn't notice till it was suffocating me. It was bad...I just couldn't stand being around her anymore, seeing her face. If I hadn't left I would have killed myself," he admitted, pulling an ahstray out of the pile of papers on the table and ashing on it. He sat across from Quistis.

"Why did you start smoking?" she inquired, still processing his previous words. She couldn't respond yet.

"Because she hated it," he answered. It made her smile a bit. She took his cigarette, took a drag and handed it back. He looked at her curiously, wondering what her intent was. She still hadn't revealed it.

"I started smoking at 14, mostly quit at 17. Still smoke socially, but it's been a while. I started because I was going through some shit, and I was trying to be a rebel. SeeD doesn't allow it so it's not one of those habits I really have access to anymore," she rambled. He responded by grabbing the cigarettes from the drawer and tossing them on the table.

"Go ahead," he encouraged. "What did Irvine tell you?" he demanded. She looked up at him, the bags under his eyes, his paler than usual skin, while she idly played with the cardboard pack of cigarettes.

"He told me that he was your interim between Balamb and here, and that you were real rough, almost traumatized. He also said you weren't sleeping or interested in anything and that your new place was dilapidated and you really didn't care. He also told me about his encounter with Rinoa and how just stuck up and conceited she had become," she explained, finally drawing a cigarette from the pack. She pulled her silver lighter from her purse and lit it, while Squall stared at her, like he was trying to understand her soul.

"That was almost two years ago. I've been doing weapon repairs since then. He is correct on how much she's changed though. I don't know what happened, if it was something I did or if it was just who she really was, Irvine's still the same though. He let me stay in his spare room while I moved out, right after him and Selphie broke up for either the second or third time, they're so off and on I can't keep track," he divulged.

"I don't think anyone can keep track, they've broken up and gotten back together at least ten times by now. I don't understand it either," she added. She always figured their problems had to do with how much Irvine slept around, but wasn't sure. Selphie had to know, everyone knew so it continued to confound her.

"I'll never go back to her," he spat out in response, smashing out his cigarette in the ashtray, Quistis followed suit and shorted the cigarette for later. She wondered if he knew Rinoa went back to Seifer, she didn't want to bring it up.

"I understand. I've been in similar relationships, but not for nearly as long," she said, finishing her coffee.

"Have you?" he questioned with obvious skepticism. She took a deep breath. Perhaps he needed to hear her experience so that he knew he wasn't alone with his healing.

"Yes, twice. Once as a teenager, and the other one was about 3 years ago. First time I was 15 and he was in his 30's. I was so stupid, I mean I was a kid. I did whatever he told me to do, anything to make him happy. He took advantage of that, and it went way too far before I got out. Now do you remember Instructor Trayvis? He's a controlling, micro-managing asshole. He'd tell me how to dress and yelled at me when I wouldn't. One time he screamed at me for over an hour because I left my glasses on the nightstand instead of in their case. Luckily this time I got out before he took it too far," she confessed.

"How long did it last the first time" Squall asked in a quiet tone. She relit the cigarette.

"Almost three years, I went into Balamb almost immediately after I left him. About 5 years ago, I read in the paper that he was in jail for killing a teenage girl, and it struck me. If I hadn't got out, if I hadn't left I'm sure that would have been me," she painfully admitted. He wanted to know how far it had gone, but knew it was rude to ask such details, especially when he had given her no details about his. Squall wasn't sure if he was ready to tell her everything or anything, but he had to start somewhere.

"She would complain and criticize everything, even if it was beyond my control, my skin tone, my body, my voice, it would take me hours to list everything. A shorter list would be what she liked, and the only things I can even list for that is my ass, her dog and tea. Eventually she got to the point where she'd starting hitting me, scratching, biting and all I could do was let her. If I tried to defend myself she'd accuse me of abusing or hurting her. She'd emasculate me in front of her friends, our co workers and even my students. One night she was going off, beating me and I just stood up and walked out. That's when I went to Irvine's," he stated, before pouring another cup of coffee and refilling Quistis's.

"I'm sorry you suffered for so long," she told him, putting her hand over his. He pulled away, still suspicious of her intentions.

"So are you going to tell me the real reason you're here? Is it to brag to your friends about my fall from grace? are you here out of pity, or do you just want to fuck me?" he interrogated. She was taken back at how cynical he had become, but she was beginning to understand why.

"It's none of those...but I'm not opposed to the last one. I came out of genuine concern. You know I've always cared. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you were dealing with all of this. I'm sorry for distancing myself the way I did, but it hurt to see you in a relationship with her. I expressed my feelings for you once before and you spurned me. I tried to save face, but it was a lie. I still felt the same, and I still feel that way," she blurted, crushing out the cigarette butt. He just looked at her curiously, as if he was gauging whether or not she had been truthful. The silence was deafening, Quistis held her breath.

"Sometimes I wonder if that's why she went after me, so you couldn't have me. I think she saw the way I'd look at you sometimes with wonder. She wound up back with Seifer anyway. I don't think she cared like I did. I think she just did it to be a juvenile cunt, and then got in over her head. I was trauma bonded to her and it took a long time for me to recognize and sever that," he mused with a dark tone, running a hand through his long brown hair.

"So you thought about me?" she questioned. He nodded.

"It wasn't until after you told me how you felt that I began to look at you a little different, with more curiousity and I began to wonder until she...took over," She couldn't control the blush in her cheeks and tried bowing her head to hide it. He saw it and to him it confirmed her affections. He tried to push it slowly further. "She never really developed either and always had a very boyish figure. Physically, you're more my preference," he added, eager to see how'd she react. He tapped the table nervously. Her blush deepened.

"What do you mean exactly?" she asked. He huffed a laugh. What was her reasoning behind this curiosity? He wondered. A light pink settled in his cheeks and he ignored it.

" I prefer woman with curves, not the thin, waif type. I like tits, hips, ass, legs. Women like you," he clarified. She was speechless. Her entire life she'd battled a weight problem, from being a portly kid to a chubby teenager. Even in her twenties and almost thirties she still fought with the scale, constantly dieting and yo-yoing the same twenty pounds. She was right in the middle of where she was and where she wanted to be.

"I have a weight problem," she began, only to be cut off

"No you don't." he snapped. "I've seen your weight go up and down, you look better with it." He lit another cigarette.

"Thank you. I don't always have the best body confidence. I don't know how much of the orphanage you remember, but I was a heavy kid," she mentioned.

"You outgrew it." She smiled. She wasn't exactly sure how the conversation got steered this way, but it was always awkward for her to talk about her body. If he was going to bring up hers, his was fair game, right?

"You still have a pretty fine body Squall, I know you've lost a little weight, but you still look good," she remarked, grabbing a cigarette from the pack. The tension was making her nervous and old habits were welcome.

"You haven't seen how I've destroyed it," he sneered, ashing and running a hand through his hair again. "I was in such a bad way that I punished and abused my body to a disgusting degree," he confessed in a low tone just above a whisper. It was another topic all too familiar to her. Perhaps seeing, was better than talking, she thought. How else could she just agree to his pain? His body bore his, just as hers did. Self inflicted for the sake of self preservation. She shorted the cigarette and turned in her chair, pulling her skirt up over her right hip. She stuck her leg out and pointed out the scars with the

"I've done it too," she whispered back. Squall leaned forward and lightly ran his fingers over the scars. His touch was electric, she felt her breath hitch, and she knew he heard it. He was gently testing the waters, small gestures, touches, working up to something more.

"Is that all of it?" he asked. She shook her head. "Follow me into the other room," he requested. She stood up and followed him and took a seat on the futon. He stood in front of her and removed his black shirt and tossed it on a chair. Over the right side of his pectoral was a large tattoo of Griever, on the left side was a cluster of scars. Taking in his whole torso she noted other battle scars and two more clusters on either side of his hips. He was looking down in shame. The scars made Quistis's heart hurt. She could tell there were tears welling.

Well? What do you think now that you've seen it? Disgusting isn't it? I can see it's bringing tears to your eyes Quistis," he snapped out. She bit her lip and looked up at him.

"I stand by my statement Squall," she murmured. She took a deep breath and met his eyes. "Come here," she ordered. He faltered for a moment before sitting down next to her, facing her. She grabbed his biceps, pulled him closer and rested his head on her chest before wrapping her arms around his nude, cool, toned back. He wrapped his arms around her back and sighed, his cheek pressed against the swell of her breast. One hand gently ran through his hair while the other gently rubbed his back.

"I'm sorry Squall. I'm sorry you had to suffer this much, that you went through this pain. I'm so sorry for your experience," she whispered. He remained silent, a few minutes passed and she heard his breathing change. He had fallen asleep, and he looked so peaceful, something she hadn't seen in a long time. She wondered how long it had been like this for him, and how safe he must have felt in her embrace to fall asleep so quick. How much had he been tormented? How much had he suffered? Removing her glasses she folded them and put them on the end table. Resting her cheek against his head and stroking his back, she fell asleep with him, despite the caffeine. They laid entwined for hours, in a caring embrace. Both of them needed it, they needed they heat, the caress and the security of another body.

When Quistis awoke it was nearly two in the morning. She put on her glasses and checked her phone. There was nothing important only a few texts from Xu. Putting down her phone, she gently stroked his hair and within a few minutes he began to stir awake, gently pressing against her breasts with breathless murmurs. Finally, he looked up with sleep covered eyes and less bags than before. They looked into each others eyes, Squall was shocked she had stayed this long. He thought for sure she would have gone home by now. He was inquisitive, but he also felt bonded and genuinely curious about who she was, what she wanted from him and from life. She couldn't be comfortable after sitting in that way for so long.

"Do you have to go?" he asked, arms still around her.

"No," she ran her thin hand through his thick locks.

"Why did you stay?" he inquired, gently massaging the muscles of her back. She loved how his touch felt, and wondered if he was slowly trying to build up to sex with her through his selective affection.

"I wanted to," she stated. He smiled up at her, a small gentle smile she had rarely ever seen from him. "I want to be here, Squall," she added running a hand over his arm gently.

"I want you here too," he whispered back. Silence engulfed them, he broke their embrace and sat up, Quistis could see the bulge in his black leather pants and looked away with a blush. She shouldn't be thinking about that, she told herself. Squall was beginning to feel comfortable with her, like he had with Irvine and began to share more of his pain.

"Rinoa made me question everything including my own sexuality, anatomy, autonomy...I was so broken and unsure of everything….I had sex with Irvine," he confessed. He watched her face and saw no reaction, relieved she wasn't overwhelmed or disgusted. She gave him a small smile.

"Did you enjoy it?" Her question threw him off guard, but he felt further relief that she didn't ridicule him for his explorations in finding himself.

"...Uh...I would have to say yes. Irvine is a very...generous lover," he answered awkwardly with a blush he didn't even feel.

"Indeed. He's a very generous and selfless partner. I wonder if that's why she keeps going back to him. I can only imagine how amazing sex with him would be if emotions and feelings were involved," she added, putting her glasses back on. Squall reached over her for a pack of cigarettes. He offered her one and she took it. He set the ashtray between them.

"You had sex with him too?" he inquired to confirm, taking a long drag. She nodded and lit up.

"I'm sure most of the group has, he's...got a way about him, he can flirt a woman or man into bed pretty easily, and he makes it very easy to come back for a second time. It's like the cliche' he's the town bicycle, everyone has had a ride or several," she remarked. Squall smirked.

"I bet Selphie is easier to handle. Quistis...Will you show me the rest of your scars?" he prodded gently. She took a deep breath, knowing she'd have to undress further than he was. He was the first person to ask to see her scars, the first one who cared.

"I'm going to need to take some clothes off to show you," she told him, wondering if he'd change his mind, wondering if he wanted to see that much of her.

"Then let's go to the bedroom where the curtains aren't sheer," he encouraged, standing up and taking her hand, pulling her to her feet. In his room she unzipped her dress and pulled it down to her hips, revealing her black bra. She began to tug at the straps of it.

She turned to the side and showed over the other scars she had given herself. Down one side of her ribcage and over her hip bones were marred with thin white scars where injured flesh sat. Again, tenderly, gently, he grazed his fingers over the scars. Overwhelmed with electricity, she grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him. He returned it with a bruising fervor that made her knees weak. Her head was spinning and Squall was barely able to grip his emotions. He wanted more. She made him feel so good and he wanted to feel it for as long as possible. Finally, he pulled away. "What kind of lover do you think I am?" he breathed into her ear.

"I'm not going to answer that because I don't want to influence how tonight goes." she purred back. He kissed her forehead and exercised restraint.

"I always imagined you as a kind, flexible and giving lover, passionate and sweet," he confessed, his lips against her forehead.

"You're not wrong," she said, cradling his cheek gently.

"She always complained about my dick size, my foreplay and that I was a horrible lover, that I'm selfish, and rough," he sneered. Quistis traced her fingers over his tattoo and looked up.

"I can tell already that she's wrong and just wanted to complain," Reaching one hand down she grazed his manhood, "Because that is nothing to complain about," she reassured it. He gave a small smile.

"She said it hurt," he whispered. She blushed even deeper, knowing what it meant and scoffed.

"Girls can't handle something meant for women," she commented with a deep blush, waiting for his next move. He was stone walled on whether he should kiss her or throw her down on the bed and just take her like he know she wanted him too. He began to slide her dress over her hips, revealing her dark red panties. When he noticed that her undergarments were mismatched he realized that her intentions had been true, and she hadn't come over for sex, if she had, they would have matched. It was a trick he learned early on. He had actually managed to seduce her on his own merit, but how hard was that given her feelings? Squall couldn't stop his gaze, or his thoughts, and she could see the depth of thought just on his face.

"What's on your mind?" she asked, clasping her hands behind her back, trying not to show her own nervousness. She watched him struggle to form his thoughts.

"I want you...here, in my bed at night. I want you here, I want to know your facets, your flaws, who you are. I want to wake up next to you, support your endeavors, help you heal, be here, be with you..." he trailed off. Her breath was in her throat, and her crystal blue eyes blurred with tears. Quistis couldn't speak, he'd just told her everything she could ever want. She kissed him, pushing him backwards on to the bed. It was only a few moments before he roughly tossed her off and straddled her, pinning her arms down. Her blue eyes met his, his chestnut hair hanging in his face.

"You win," she conceded with a warm smile. It took only a moment from him to pull of her dress, leaning forward his hands searched for the clasp on her bra. Carelessly, he tore it open revealing her full, pale breasts with a steel barbell through each pink nipple. Squall cursed himself cradling the soft flesh, his thumbs grazing over the pierced skin and steel. Her hands cradled his face, pushing his shaggy hair away from his features. She said nothing, not wanting to draw attention to a drunk decision when she was younger. He whispered words of admiration in her ear that only deepened her blush. One hand ran down his scarred tattooed chest while the other pulled at his hair, drawing him closer to her. One arm pinned down, his hand in hers while the other stripped the last of her garments. Quistis' heart was beating so fast and loud she thought it'd fly from her chest under his touch. To say he was nervous would be an understatement, Squall's anxiety was through the roof, his mind spinning while he tried to focus his attention to her body. He dragged his tongue over her breast and felt her shudder.

"You sure you want to do this?" he whispered hoarsely in her ear. She squeezed his hand tighter while the other explored the scars on his back.

"Yes," she muttered back, barely audible. "Yes," she repeated louder, making sure he understood. Her hand drifted to his belt but he pushed it away, adamant about handling himself. He let go of her hand and exposed himself. She wondered if she could blush any deeper. Sweat pricked her skin. She attempted to touch him again and was pushed away. Instead he pushed her back down before using his hand to embrace her intimately. Her breath hitched at his touch, he could feel her quiver, her nails digging into his back. He grabbed her chin and looked into her eyes, asking if she was ready. She nodded and kissed him while he slowly pressed into her, giving her time to adjust to his intrusion. Her knees squeezed his hips and he pushed forward making her gasp. He pressed both of her arms down over her head roughlybefore he leaned down and playfully nipped at her collarbone and shoulder, his teeth firm but not hard enough to draw blood. It was an all new sensation for her. His rhythm was passionate, almost primal and it was driving her to the edge faster than she'd ever been, her nails digging into the back of his hands while his lips explored her skin. One thought ran through her head, _Who would ever complain about this? _She wondered before she became so close she stopped caring. The way she gasped and squealed told Squall he accomplishing his task. Her knees clenched his hips harder, and she panted his name as she climaxed, her body tensing underneath him, spurring him closer. He licked her chin, and bit her lip, while one hand released her to fondle her breast. Her arm now free, she traced her fingers over his tattoo of Griever before sliding over his back. She drove her nails into his skin and felt him him release inside of her with a string of curses. She twisted her arm free and pulled him close, his head resting against her breasts while they caught their breath. They laid entwined in silence, listening to the other breathe.

"Quistis, that was amazing," he confessed, shifting to grab cigarettes and a lighter. He lit two and passed one to her before reaching for an ashtray that he put next to her

"That was the best sex I've ever had," she announced, and Squall could tell by her tone that she was being honest. She took a drag and ashed, stroking his back with her free hand. She could feel bruises forming on her shoulders and collarbone from his rough embraces. She smashed out her cigarette while he blew a plume of smoke across the room.

"Stay with me?" he asked in a low, timid tone. She smiled at him, embracing his cheek gently with her hand.

"Yes, I'll stay with you," she answered back. Quistis saw a flicker behind his eye, a light that reminded her of their younger years. They were both broken people, they couldn't heal each other, but they could sympathize with the pain of the other, understand where other's wouldn't. Time would pass, they would heal and become more comfortable with each, but what they had was a start, a seed planted in soil, and Quistis would make sure that it grew into something intimate and beautiful. He hoped for the same thing and prayed that she wouldn't become like Rinoa. They had tested the waters and were knee deep, watching for a wave that could take them out.

"I like having you here," he confessed with a pink blush.

"I like being here with you, talking with you, your company, your companionship," she whispered.

"I think...I think we can do this," he encouraged, smashing out his cigarette in the ashtray. Quistis, cradled his face in his hands.

"I know we can," she reassured with a passionate kiss that caught him off guard. He relented to her lips, they were soft and tender. He wanted to believe her words, he wanted them to be truth, his pulse spiked just thinking about having Quistis around, the thought brought him happiness, a feeling that had eluded him for a long time. Now he had a reason to rebuild his life, to go back to teaching, find a better place. He hated it though, that he was once again relying on someone for his happiness and he hoped that she would help teach him how to be happy on his own, or that he would learn on his own. However, for now, he had the moment, and he made sure to remember as much as possible because he knew that soon, the memory would fade into colors and sounds, just like all the other recollections in his brain. He stood up, fixing his pants and gazing at the naked blonde in his bed. As much as he enjoyed it, it also left a bitter taste of feeling undeserved. He didn't deserve her after he turned her down for Rinoa, he didn't deserve a second chance at a better woman, but deserved or not, he we going to take it and commit to making himself a man that she deserved.

AN: Holy rollercoaster shit balls. Next to "Aubergine" this is one of the weirdest prompt pulls I've done. This one took me almost a month, and was untitled until today. I didn't expect it to be this long- it's one of my longest oneshots on here. Sorry this isn't reluctant surrender, but I'm updating that one a specific way for a while. This one had a lot of prompts but some of them kind of overlapped. It was a lot to cram into one fic, and I kind of merged one I started months ago with these prompts. I wanted to focus more on Squall's memory loss so I may edit this in the future. Feedback and criticism welcome, find me on tumblr as Michellekellyff. See you in the next story XOXOMK


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